Ever get one of those days where you take stock of your current situation and phase of life and think...wait, nothing has progressed or advanced since this time last year.
Grrr....over a year and a half of taking metformin to regulate my periods (although doc originally told me it would be just a 6 month course......i hate being fobbed off every time i go to the docs)...well, periods are not regulating, if anything its become worse. I now have not had my period since Feb....sucks.
I'm now on these other tablets which are supposedly supposed to 'force' the period on within 10 days.
Yeah..nearly 10 days up, and the case of the missing period still exists!
Blughhh..nothing works.
Sorry, it does sound like i'm venting...
Had a random email today popping up in my inbox, made me smile though..it was from 'me' about 3 years ago just after i got married.
by saying 'from me' i mean, years ago, i went on this random site where you can send yourself an email on a chosen date in the future...it arrived today, very interesting to get the vibes of a very bubbly euphoric version of me in that email.
''I wonder how many children i will have by now? 2 i hope???? i dont care whether its a boy or a girl but i do hope we stuck to my name list and didnt let hubby overrule with some ridiculous name!'' I giggle to myself as i read my email to me.
''Do we have a wall height chart set up for our kids on a lounge wall? like we dreamed of in a nice big spacious family home which we hopefully have by now!
ohh what car am i driving, pls tell me i finally got a flush black smoked bmw! I shake my head smirking, thinking of my old reliable honda i still have.
''Have i put on weight?? who do the kids look like? give them kisses for me right now wherever they are!!''.
I wipe away silent tears and smile ruefully at the email, reading the rest.
Reading this email, seeing the words from 3 years ago, the hopes and wishes i had for myself in the future....just..phew...got me...im smiling and crying a bit....thank god hubby's not around for another episode of me crying i smile to myself.
I print the email out, carefully fold it and slip it into my memory box.
I close the lid firmly and go down to make dinner, buoyed by dreams again.
Tuesday 26 July 2011
Monday 25 July 2011
Mother-in-Law
Its routine that Mother-in-law phones from a far away land, every Sunday morning to have a weekly catch up with hubby and me.
Now, i adore her, i do feel lucky to have landed an affectionate Mother in law, and in the 3.5 yrs of marriage with hubby, me and her have got along like a house on fire.
We chat about anything and everything. well...ahem, not everything but you get the gist.
Except as the months roll by, her calls from a far away place are gettng a bit close and suffocating me for me now.
Lovely as she is, all she asks does is fire questions about whether i'm pregnant yet and why the hell not.
Like im doing it ON PURPOSE.
I get she's desperate for grandchildren. My parents are too. but doesnt she think for one minute how i feel? i should get an award for smiling and laughingly chatting away back to her in a lighthearted manner, when its all i can do to physically forcing myself not to launch a defensive full throttle attack onto my poor MIL when she's 'condescendingly' querying if my periods are on time now, or if im taking my medication on time and if i lean my legs against the wall for 20 mins after sex.....(yes, really she says that to me)
i know im a paranoid lunatic but i cannot STAND being interviewed on a regular basis by MIL. I guess i should be relieved that shes in a far away land and can only interview me over the phone....
I blame hubby, he was the one who told her, without my permission that i have PCO and am on treatment etc, if it were up to me i would have never told her.
I mean, does he not know me by now?!
why oh why did he have to tell my IN LAWS that im the one with the so called 'problem'.
I may be stereotyping but this applies to my in laws, asian in-laws believe that as soon as you marry you should be popping out babies.
The fact that i have not produced them grandchildren 3.5 yrs on makes them believe i am putting my career first and children on a back burner.
Hmph, little do they know.
Since then she has not let up on me and no, its not my paranoia, but i can tell she blames me through the way she talks.
''She doesnt blame you honey come on, don't be ridiculous'' Hubby tried to talk me round.
''Oh no? how would you like it if it was the other way around?? go on, tell them you have something wrong with you and im in the clear, go on'' I retort back turning my back to Hubby.
He grins sheepishly at me and i allow myself to be cuddled, as usual, a sucker for his touch.
I did refuse hubby sex for a week after this.
Needless to say i have booked him in to have a semen sample anaylsis next week.
Serves him right.
Now, i adore her, i do feel lucky to have landed an affectionate Mother in law, and in the 3.5 yrs of marriage with hubby, me and her have got along like a house on fire.
We chat about anything and everything. well...ahem, not everything but you get the gist.
Except as the months roll by, her calls from a far away place are gettng a bit close and suffocating me for me now.
Lovely as she is, all she asks does is fire questions about whether i'm pregnant yet and why the hell not.
Like im doing it ON PURPOSE.
I get she's desperate for grandchildren. My parents are too. but doesnt she think for one minute how i feel? i should get an award for smiling and laughingly chatting away back to her in a lighthearted manner, when its all i can do to physically forcing myself not to launch a defensive full throttle attack onto my poor MIL when she's 'condescendingly' querying if my periods are on time now, or if im taking my medication on time and if i lean my legs against the wall for 20 mins after sex.....(yes, really she says that to me)
i know im a paranoid lunatic but i cannot STAND being interviewed on a regular basis by MIL. I guess i should be relieved that shes in a far away land and can only interview me over the phone....
I blame hubby, he was the one who told her, without my permission that i have PCO and am on treatment etc, if it were up to me i would have never told her.
I mean, does he not know me by now?!
why oh why did he have to tell my IN LAWS that im the one with the so called 'problem'.
I may be stereotyping but this applies to my in laws, asian in-laws believe that as soon as you marry you should be popping out babies.
The fact that i have not produced them grandchildren 3.5 yrs on makes them believe i am putting my career first and children on a back burner.
Hmph, little do they know.
Since then she has not let up on me and no, its not my paranoia, but i can tell she blames me through the way she talks.
''She doesnt blame you honey come on, don't be ridiculous'' Hubby tried to talk me round.
''Oh no? how would you like it if it was the other way around?? go on, tell them you have something wrong with you and im in the clear, go on'' I retort back turning my back to Hubby.
He grins sheepishly at me and i allow myself to be cuddled, as usual, a sucker for his touch.
I did refuse hubby sex for a week after this.
Needless to say i have booked him in to have a semen sample anaylsis next week.
Serves him right.
Wednesday 13 July 2011
Twinny
She is my alternate other half.
I'd do anything for that girl
She's the prettier, louder, funkier side of us.
The 1 who ppl notice first.
She walked on the wide side enough for the both of us.
All our life i have looked out for her, fiercely protective of her,
covered for her, got her out of trouble.
She did the same for me, always.
i remember when my engagement with ex-fiance broke, i was blamed alot, from both families.
i kept that guilt locked in me for years, felt guilty for breaking up our families,
for causing a so called 'fued' between us.
Twinny understood,
she was there for all those many nights i tried to cry silently.
she knew the cost, and how it changed me.
i love her.
It took years for me to get back on my feet, focus on my career and start again.
When I got engaged to Hubby, Twinny along with my other sisters were so happy for me.
Just before I got married, she came up to our bedroom that we shared (LOVED our room, huge, matching beds, shelves laden with jewellery and knick knacks, funky pictures everywhere...).
She handed me a small navy coloured box
'whats this??'' i grinned excitedly at her.
'just a little something for u'' she urged me to open it.
Opening it, i saw nestled inside the box a large beautifully cut crystal heart,
holding it closer, i saw it had inscribed ''You'll always be my other half'' on the centre of the heart.
That just did it.
I bawled into tears and hugged her like never before.
It sits pride of place in our master bedroom, centre of a shelf where I glimpse it every day.
It comforts me.
She means the world to me.
She gets on with my Hubby like a house on fire.
Always popping over, cdraping herself over the sofa, demanding food, making a mess.
I Wouldnt have it any other way.
When she got married last year, i felt she finally became a grown up.
Her, married?? I never thought i would see that day.
She was always the career woman, said she didnt want to start a family until she had gotten where she wanted to.
She fell pregnant soon after her marriage.
She told my sisters and mum before me.
That was a blow to me.
I always told her everything first.
They were wary of telling me the news,
aware that i was an emotional rollercoaster, frustrated, stressed, desperate to be a mum.
She rang me that evening when i had just walked into my home after a long tiring day at work.
No hi, how was your day. Just ''Can you come over?'' she asked me quietly.
I froze, twinny never speaks quietly, panic and fear took over me,
''whats wrong?? tell me'' i demanded into the phone. She tried to laugh and said pls just come over.
Hubby had just walkd in from work at that moment, i grabbed my coat again and ran out the door with him calling out after me wanting to know where i'd gone, i flew up the garden path and to the car waving bye.
I drove like a manic to my twins flat terrified that something was wrong.
Rapping repeatedly on her door she answers smiling. I look at her quizzically and she drags me to her bedroom.
''Fking hell tell me what the hell's the matter!'' i demanded.
She smiles at me and says she wanted to tell me something to her face, not over the phone.
I listened wondering what on earth she wanted to tell me.
She holds my hand and smiles at me, looking serene, ive never seen her like that.
She tells me she is pregnant. She said the others all know, but she didnt know how quite to tell me in fear of upsetting me.
Crying happy tears, i hug her and clasp her hands, telling her off for not telling me first.
It hurts that they all thought id let me own circumstances get in the way of my own twin having a child.
Crying and choking my words out ''The child will be half of me anyway, as we're half of each other silly, and thats more than enough for me'' she cries too and hugs me.
We sit there talking excitedly about the future, and i tell her profusely that i am over the moon for her, and that she would make a brilliant mum.
and i am so very happy.
Its her time, her moment.
She is my other half, what kind of person did they all think of me that I couldnt be happy for her?
I am elated, but secretly i am devastated that my time has not come yet,
but my own grief and unhappiness is completley separate from my happiness for her.
Driving home i had tears coursing down my face, I don't know if theyre happy tears or sad ones, I feel like a mixed bag, confused, happy, sad. i turned the volume up and drove slowly home to Hubby.
He is waiting anxiously for me by the front window. I run down the garden path into his arms, he knows already and strokes my hair, wipes away my tears and whispers to me to never give up hope.
I look up at him, mascara streaked face and all and simply say ''she's my other half, I am so happy''
He grins sadly, wipes the tears that keep coming ''That's ok then, happy tears i can deal with'' and kisses me.
Over the next few months I ring twinny constantly making sure shes sleeping right, eating right, looking after herself, i cook double of everything and drop food off to her a few times a week.
I can't help but grin at her, she is blooming, 'pregnancy suits her so much ' i always thought to myself.
Baby boy popped out into this world 7 weeks earlier than expected.
Into the arms of a newly married couple, waiting to shower love on him,
I cried at the birth,
hands down the most amazing experience of my life,
the pain, the endurance, the strength, the joy...i dont think i can ever forget that, it will stay with me forever.
Baby boy filled me with feelings i never felt before. Even more different to how i felt with all my other neices and nephews. Wait, that sounds bad, but i don't mean it like that.
He looks at me with understanding, its like he knows me.
I cannot ever get enough of him
I'd do anything for that girl
She's the prettier, louder, funkier side of us.
The 1 who ppl notice first.
She walked on the wide side enough for the both of us.
All our life i have looked out for her, fiercely protective of her,
covered for her, got her out of trouble.
She did the same for me, always.
i remember when my engagement with ex-fiance broke, i was blamed alot, from both families.
i kept that guilt locked in me for years, felt guilty for breaking up our families,
for causing a so called 'fued' between us.
Twinny understood,
she was there for all those many nights i tried to cry silently.
she knew the cost, and how it changed me.
i love her.
It took years for me to get back on my feet, focus on my career and start again.
When I got engaged to Hubby, Twinny along with my other sisters were so happy for me.
Just before I got married, she came up to our bedroom that we shared (LOVED our room, huge, matching beds, shelves laden with jewellery and knick knacks, funky pictures everywhere...).
She handed me a small navy coloured box
'whats this??'' i grinned excitedly at her.
'just a little something for u'' she urged me to open it.
Opening it, i saw nestled inside the box a large beautifully cut crystal heart,
holding it closer, i saw it had inscribed ''You'll always be my other half'' on the centre of the heart.
That just did it.
I bawled into tears and hugged her like never before.
It sits pride of place in our master bedroom, centre of a shelf where I glimpse it every day.
It comforts me.
She means the world to me.
She gets on with my Hubby like a house on fire.
Always popping over, cdraping herself over the sofa, demanding food, making a mess.
I Wouldnt have it any other way.
When she got married last year, i felt she finally became a grown up.
Her, married?? I never thought i would see that day.
She was always the career woman, said she didnt want to start a family until she had gotten where she wanted to.
She fell pregnant soon after her marriage.
She told my sisters and mum before me.
That was a blow to me.
I always told her everything first.
They were wary of telling me the news,
aware that i was an emotional rollercoaster, frustrated, stressed, desperate to be a mum.
She rang me that evening when i had just walked into my home after a long tiring day at work.
No hi, how was your day. Just ''Can you come over?'' she asked me quietly.
I froze, twinny never speaks quietly, panic and fear took over me,
''whats wrong?? tell me'' i demanded into the phone. She tried to laugh and said pls just come over.
Hubby had just walkd in from work at that moment, i grabbed my coat again and ran out the door with him calling out after me wanting to know where i'd gone, i flew up the garden path and to the car waving bye.
I drove like a manic to my twins flat terrified that something was wrong.
Rapping repeatedly on her door she answers smiling. I look at her quizzically and she drags me to her bedroom.
''Fking hell tell me what the hell's the matter!'' i demanded.
She smiles at me and says she wanted to tell me something to her face, not over the phone.
I listened wondering what on earth she wanted to tell me.
She holds my hand and smiles at me, looking serene, ive never seen her like that.
She tells me she is pregnant. She said the others all know, but she didnt know how quite to tell me in fear of upsetting me.
Crying happy tears, i hug her and clasp her hands, telling her off for not telling me first.
It hurts that they all thought id let me own circumstances get in the way of my own twin having a child.
Crying and choking my words out ''The child will be half of me anyway, as we're half of each other silly, and thats more than enough for me'' she cries too and hugs me.
We sit there talking excitedly about the future, and i tell her profusely that i am over the moon for her, and that she would make a brilliant mum.
and i am so very happy.
Its her time, her moment.
She is my other half, what kind of person did they all think of me that I couldnt be happy for her?
I am elated, but secretly i am devastated that my time has not come yet,
but my own grief and unhappiness is completley separate from my happiness for her.
Driving home i had tears coursing down my face, I don't know if theyre happy tears or sad ones, I feel like a mixed bag, confused, happy, sad. i turned the volume up and drove slowly home to Hubby.
He is waiting anxiously for me by the front window. I run down the garden path into his arms, he knows already and strokes my hair, wipes away my tears and whispers to me to never give up hope.
I look up at him, mascara streaked face and all and simply say ''she's my other half, I am so happy''
He grins sadly, wipes the tears that keep coming ''That's ok then, happy tears i can deal with'' and kisses me.
Over the next few months I ring twinny constantly making sure shes sleeping right, eating right, looking after herself, i cook double of everything and drop food off to her a few times a week.
I can't help but grin at her, she is blooming, 'pregnancy suits her so much ' i always thought to myself.
Baby boy popped out into this world 7 weeks earlier than expected.
Into the arms of a newly married couple, waiting to shower love on him,
I cried at the birth,
hands down the most amazing experience of my life,
the pain, the endurance, the strength, the joy...i dont think i can ever forget that, it will stay with me forever.
Baby boy filled me with feelings i never felt before. Even more different to how i felt with all my other neices and nephews. Wait, that sounds bad, but i don't mean it like that.
He looks at me with understanding, its like he knows me.
I cannot ever get enough of him
Tuesday 12 July 2011
My Ex - Fiance
Being a girl of eastern origin, but born and grown up here in a quaint south west area of the UK, it's safe to say that I was very excited to go to an Asian weddings, its all very Bollywood and glamorous.
I love asian weddings, adore the whole 'very filmy' aspect of it, the way its such a fusion of colours, design and embellishments, never fails to make me feel like I am part of a Bollywood movie set.
I cannot admit to you how much I enjoyed draping my rose red coloured sari on today, fastening matching long dangly ruby diamante earrings, curling my long dark hair into tumbling locks & pinning back, and even wearing a beautiful antique anklet (much to the dismay of Hubby who grimaced every time i took a step and heard the jangling bells).
Needless to say I took extra steps and randomly jiggled my adorned feet as we drove to the wedding - but i felt like a bollywood queen :) - i mean come on, when can you dress up like this more often!!
Stepping out of the car and walking with my sisters and Hubby to the Hall where we can see everyone sipping cocktails (and juices for the Halal guests) I growned inwardly as I realised that everyone - and i mean EVERYONE will be there.
Oh gawdddd, this is going to be a long day, fellow Asians are notorious for being nosy as hell...(may be a sterotype but veryyyy applicable to this lot). From Aunts to second cousins twice removed, all enquiring as to what your salary is, how big your home is, what car you drive and how many kids you have.
Well, 3 out of 4 ain't bad.
Gritting my teeth I fixed a fake smile on my face and kept it plastered there whilst answering everyones questions demurely, keeping a tight hold on Hubbys hand so he would not run away and escape.
''Salam darling and how are you my love, come give me kiss'' Exclaims an Aunty who I forgot the name of, who was literally dripping in gold and sporting an unfortunate garish sari choice showing far too much flesh.
'' Oh I'm fine Aunty absolutely brilliant'' I reply fixing the smile on my face after hugging her 3 times (the norm here). She pats my cheek, kisses Hubby and looks around ' ahaan, so where are your children?'' She bluntly enquired eyeing me accusedly.
I clench Hubbys hand and cough trying to cover up my gasp and open my mouth ready to retort something back, flushing almost as red as my sari.
Hubby glances at me reassuringly and smiles shaking his head slightly.
He jumps in saying ''Aunty, I think you have us confused with her sisters, they're just over there by the drinks if you want to see them, we need to go say hi to a few others''. He drags me outside and squeezes my hand smiling at my face (which was a picture I tell you)
''Can you believe the nerve of her???'' I exclaim heatedly flailing my arms up ''She bloody knows we haven't got kids yet she says that in front of the whole bloody world!!!"
Hubby hands me a mango juice in a wine glass and sniggers, which riled me up even more, ''It's not funny!!'' I exclaim and down my mango juice down '' This is why I always have second thoughts about coming to this sort of thing''.
Hubby winks at me and hugs me close '' Who cares what some Aunty thinks, we got each other, don't let yourself get bothered by it ok hun'' he soothes me in a way only he knows how. I look at him gratefully and whip out my compant mirror to check if my flushed face had returned to normal.
Leaving Hubby with the guys, I tentatively walk across the grassy lawn to go inside and rejoin my sisters, holding my beaded sari in one hand, anklet jingling softly, and checking my iphone in the other.
Glancing up, my heart stopped as my ex fiance's eyes caught mine from the seating area. My heart catches in my throat and I gulp, I see him, suited and booted looking at me whilst walk casually in the same direction as i am and i panic.
Oh god i thought to myself, i can't be dealing with this, i feel the heat sear my face as i see him looking at me and i purposely look down at my phone pretending to read a text, 'oh gawwddddd why did i wear the anklet, it's so fucking loud, i sound like a fucking cow with a bell around its neck' i chaste myself mentally.
'shit shit he's still looking isnt he' i try to walk gracefully as i can and cut across the lawn to avoid him and practically fling myself inside the hall out of his vision, all the time knowing he's staring at me.
I prance to the toilets and throw my clutch bag on the sink and look in the mirror, kicking myself for letting ex-fiance get to me so easily. Why did i even look in his damn direction? why the crap did i even acknowledge his existence?. Fanning myself I calm myself down, knowing his sisters and family will also be somewhere around here also. Fking great, just what i need.
Closing my eyes I try blink back tears as all the horrible memories come invade my mind as they always used to. A gaggle of teenage girls come in giggling and chatting with each and I turn my backs to them.
Twinny comes into the toilets looking for me, i smile in relief to see her.
''Sorry babe, i wanted to warn you he was there but you didnt answer your phone.'' Twinny hugs me,
'Did you talk to him?? his sisters? do you think he looks the same?? He was trying to walk over to me i think, why would he though??'' I fire questions at twinny.
''No, yes, yeh kinda he looks hot though, and god knows why!'' She grins at me, 'Look, we're always going to be bumping into that lot, you can't get into a state every time okay, who cares, you've moved on with your life, screw him''.
I nod and smile at her, telling her I need to fix my make up and I'll be through in a bit. Twinny walks off and i re apply my mascara and tell myself off. Ex-fiance is my past, a long time ago, he stays in the past, i can't let him effect me and mess me up again. I'm happily married and Hubby is more than I ever dreamed off.
My Hubby knows everything about Ex-Fiance, how i was engaged to him for a very long time, how the wedding date was set, venue booked, wedding dress brought and tried numerous times. How me, a very young naive girl, completely in love and enthralled by Ex - Fiance, trusting in him so much, he grew up with me and my sisters, a long time family friend, how my life was entwined inexplicably with Ex-Fiance.
Cutting a very long and hurtful story short, Ex -Fiance broke us by his lies, deception, his dodgy dealings and gang he was involved with eventually led to our engagement breaking....inexplicably causing a rift between our family and his.
'I fucking hate this kinda crap' I mutter to myself.
Brushing my hair into place I sigh and tell myself to sort it out, I ignore what my best friends have told me in hushed whispers how Ex-Fiance has never gotten over me, how even 3 years on, he has not settled down or wants to.
Walking out of the toilets I smile and nod at various relatives & friends all sat in their tables, squealing with delight I hug a few old Uni friends and we chatter and make promises to meet up, i push myself through the throng of people and bump into Ex-Fiance.
Flushing red I step back and mumble an apology, Ex - fiance raises an eyebrow, catches my eye for longer than appropriate and smiles at me, ''How you been?'', I smile brightly 'Good thanks'' and rush off, knowing the whole damn hall was watching eager for fireworks.
I join my family and reach for Hubby's hand under the table, he squeezes my hand reassuringly and strokes it ''You did good, not as red as your sari this time'' He laughs and pours me another glass of my favourite mango juice.
Saturday 9 July 2011
Being the 'cool' Aunty
Twinny pinged across an email to me at work during my lunch hour yesterday, I clicked the attachment and a huge picture of my yummy baby nephew filled my screen.
(I can't help but be amazed at how twinny despite just giving birth 2 months ago has her amazing figure back, does not seem to let sleepless nights faze her and that she is always sat on her laptop updating her facebook and emailing non stop - where does she find the time?!)
Cue my colleagues who are sat near enough oohhing and aahing,
i grin and rattle off (the proud aunty i am) how he actually knows when it's me holding him, how he burps promptly and perfectly, how he only seems to have the biggest smile when i cuddle him (although twinny firmly believes its him releasing gas, and thats because of me having the knack of taking the wind out of peoples sails), and how he is obviously the most comfortable with me as he vomits over every nice top i wear.
As i excitedly chatter about nephew i see knowing glances between a few of my colleagues.
''Come off it, don't pity me, i'm fine!' I playfully nudge redhaired colleague,
"Ah love you will get that soon i know " she hugs me tightly and gives me a knowing look.
I ping an email back to twinny querying how much he weighs now,
'8 lb 3, come see us tonight if you can' she mails back promptly. I smile in relief, happy that the little stunner is gaining weight slowly but surely and decide to try pop by on the way home from work.
Havent met up with my sisters since the weekend, which feels like a lifetime in our terms.
I love them 3 to death and am head over heels in love with all their kids.
On good days when I am not self wallowing in self pity, i know how blessed I am to have them, to be the 'cool funky Aunt' to my 4 nephews and 2 neices.
I'm the one they turn to to help them with homework, going to their sports matches, or for a bite to eat, or their fave - going out for drives with me (although Hubby says that's only because i crank the volume up way high like a wannabe gangster, so the boys can feel the bass pumping them,, oh and that i drive like a wannabe boy racer - i take that as a compliment) - nice to know im not just a wannabe mum!
I scroll through my saved pics on facebook entitled' Nieces & Nephews' and grin seeing the many pics of when me and hubby have taken the 3 elder nephews and neices out to the park for a kickabout and ice cream,
i loveeeeeee how for that hour or two it actually feels like this is my own family,
this is how it is meant to be, and how i do not want that time to end or give them back, no seriously i do not want to give them back, even when theyre dirty, in need of a nappy change or need their arses wiped.
And you know what the best thing is?
Seeing Hubby with them, i cannot get enough of seeing him playfight with the boys, or softly cuddle the neices and tie up their shoes or adjust their ponytails.
Hubby and I always catch each other's eyes and smile in pure bliss at each other when we're out there rough and tumbling with the kids - He's the cool Uncle and i'm the crazy not so cool Aunt - i can live with that :)
(I can't help but be amazed at how twinny despite just giving birth 2 months ago has her amazing figure back, does not seem to let sleepless nights faze her and that she is always sat on her laptop updating her facebook and emailing non stop - where does she find the time?!)
Cue my colleagues who are sat near enough oohhing and aahing,
i grin and rattle off (the proud aunty i am) how he actually knows when it's me holding him, how he burps promptly and perfectly, how he only seems to have the biggest smile when i cuddle him (although twinny firmly believes its him releasing gas, and thats because of me having the knack of taking the wind out of peoples sails), and how he is obviously the most comfortable with me as he vomits over every nice top i wear.
As i excitedly chatter about nephew i see knowing glances between a few of my colleagues.
''Come off it, don't pity me, i'm fine!' I playfully nudge redhaired colleague,
"Ah love you will get that soon i know " she hugs me tightly and gives me a knowing look.
I ping an email back to twinny querying how much he weighs now,
'8 lb 3, come see us tonight if you can' she mails back promptly. I smile in relief, happy that the little stunner is gaining weight slowly but surely and decide to try pop by on the way home from work.
Havent met up with my sisters since the weekend, which feels like a lifetime in our terms.
I love them 3 to death and am head over heels in love with all their kids.
On good days when I am not self wallowing in self pity, i know how blessed I am to have them, to be the 'cool funky Aunt' to my 4 nephews and 2 neices.
I'm the one they turn to to help them with homework, going to their sports matches, or for a bite to eat, or their fave - going out for drives with me (although Hubby says that's only because i crank the volume up way high like a wannabe gangster, so the boys can feel the bass pumping them,, oh and that i drive like a wannabe boy racer - i take that as a compliment) - nice to know im not just a wannabe mum!
I scroll through my saved pics on facebook entitled' Nieces & Nephews' and grin seeing the many pics of when me and hubby have taken the 3 elder nephews and neices out to the park for a kickabout and ice cream,
i loveeeeeee how for that hour or two it actually feels like this is my own family,
this is how it is meant to be, and how i do not want that time to end or give them back, no seriously i do not want to give them back, even when theyre dirty, in need of a nappy change or need their arses wiped.
And you know what the best thing is?
Seeing Hubby with them, i cannot get enough of seeing him playfight with the boys, or softly cuddle the neices and tie up their shoes or adjust their ponytails.
Hubby and I always catch each other's eyes and smile in pure bliss at each other when we're out there rough and tumbling with the kids - He's the cool Uncle and i'm the crazy not so cool Aunt - i can live with that :)
Thursday 7 July 2011
Crying over a friend's facebook status
I was browsing through my facebook last night, having a little giggle at a friends hen night pictures and quickly untagging embarrasing ones of me praying no1 has seen them (as you do) .
Still smiling to myself I clicked back up on the newsfeed and read the following status update a friend had just put up:
"Before you were conceived, I wanted you.
Before you were born, I loved you.
When you were born, I saw your face and I knew that I was in love.
Before you were an hour old, I knew that I would die for you."
I froze and bit my lip.
The meaning behind those words struck me right in the heart, i want that badly, i want that.
Without even realising I was sobbing uncontrollably whilst still staring at the status.
Hubby ran up the stairs to me hearing me cry (i felt bad as he was watching a repeat of Rambo: True Blood and he is obsessed with those sorts of action films) and hugged me from behind
''What on earth is wrong honey?'' he exclaims worridley.
I shake my head wordlessly too upset to talk and point towards the offending status and cry even more.
I hear Hubby sigh, gather me in my arms and wipes away my tears,
he then says the same thing he always says when he see's me in a state (which is becoming more and more often) "Honey, one day this will all be a bad dream, one day we will become parents i promise you, now stop crying its not good". He rocks me until I stop snivelling and he shooes me to the bathroom to wash my face, whilst quickly logging me out of facebook.
Sometimes I feel like he's the parent and I'm the child.
Washing my tear stained face, I silently whisper thanks to my fate for giving me such an amazing Hubby.
That night my insomnia kicks in again and I lay there shooting quick fire questions to him 'Don't you get upset?', 'Don't you hurt when you see someone outside holding a newborn baby?', 'Don't you just yearn so much you cannot think of anything else??'
His sleepy grunt and hug i take as a yes. I hug him tighter knowing he'd make an amazing father.
I fall asleep repeating his words of 'one day' silently to myself.
Still smiling to myself I clicked back up on the newsfeed and read the following status update a friend had just put up:
"Before you were conceived, I wanted you.
Before you were born, I loved you.
When you were born, I saw your face and I knew that I was in love.
Before you were an hour old, I knew that I would die for you."
I froze and bit my lip.
The meaning behind those words struck me right in the heart, i want that badly, i want that.
Without even realising I was sobbing uncontrollably whilst still staring at the status.
Hubby ran up the stairs to me hearing me cry (i felt bad as he was watching a repeat of Rambo: True Blood and he is obsessed with those sorts of action films) and hugged me from behind
''What on earth is wrong honey?'' he exclaims worridley.
I shake my head wordlessly too upset to talk and point towards the offending status and cry even more.
I hear Hubby sigh, gather me in my arms and wipes away my tears,
he then says the same thing he always says when he see's me in a state (which is becoming more and more often) "Honey, one day this will all be a bad dream, one day we will become parents i promise you, now stop crying its not good". He rocks me until I stop snivelling and he shooes me to the bathroom to wash my face, whilst quickly logging me out of facebook.
Sometimes I feel like he's the parent and I'm the child.
Washing my tear stained face, I silently whisper thanks to my fate for giving me such an amazing Hubby.
That night my insomnia kicks in again and I lay there shooting quick fire questions to him 'Don't you get upset?', 'Don't you hurt when you see someone outside holding a newborn baby?', 'Don't you just yearn so much you cannot think of anything else??'
His sleepy grunt and hug i take as a yes. I hug him tighter knowing he'd make an amazing father.
I fall asleep repeating his words of 'one day' silently to myself.
Wednesday 6 July 2011
Periods - The bloody bane of my life
For me, periods are the most confusing and wierdest thing I have ever known of. From the begininning I have never had a good relationship with it.
I remember the first time I got my period, 11 years old, in Year 7 at my school and I was in my art lesson. Now my lovely mother had not yet given me the 'talk' of what to expect and what and why it is the way it is, picture a clueless simple tomboy of a girl who without her twin sister would have been labeled 'period girl' for the rest of her days.
During the art lesson (which used to be my favourite subject) i remember feeling something wet sliding down my thigh and a very odd heavy sensation going on down below. I looked around and everyone was completely engrossed in painting canvases so i decided to sneak off to the toilets. When getting up I looked down and my wooden art stool was covered in red (and not red paint i can confirm), me being the easiest blusher in the world went red faced, mind went blank and i recall thudding back down on my chair (which i regretted after hearing the squishing sounds).
My twin being the more outgoing confident and brass of the two kept questioning what was wrong, i hovered a bit so she could see the blood covered stool and tell me how bad my school trousers were covered in.
Without hesitating for even a minute, twinny whispered to me to go to the toilets now and stuff my knickers with as much tissue as you could find and she will deal with the rest. I ran like the wind and did just that, took off my sweater and tied around my waist and waddled back into the classroom.
Twinny had a brand new clean stool sat at my easel and winked at me before giggling and motioning to the back of the room where i could make out a very blood stained stool racked up against other spares.
i have never ever been more grateful for having a twin as i was then.
As the years went by, my periods were irregular from the start, some years i had it only twice or 3 times which worried Mum as they showed no signs of regulating. I loved this as i dreaded the heavy blood and pains. God knows how many years on and now, married and trying desperately I ruefully wish the bloody thing would come once a month like the damn mortgage did.
The first few months of taking Metformin seemed to be slowly regulating my periods which left me estatic that we were on the road to recovery. After about 5 months my periods became irregular again, i put on alot of weight and become thoroughly depressed with the bloody thing.
I remember the first time I got my period, 11 years old, in Year 7 at my school and I was in my art lesson. Now my lovely mother had not yet given me the 'talk' of what to expect and what and why it is the way it is, picture a clueless simple tomboy of a girl who without her twin sister would have been labeled 'period girl' for the rest of her days.
During the art lesson (which used to be my favourite subject) i remember feeling something wet sliding down my thigh and a very odd heavy sensation going on down below. I looked around and everyone was completely engrossed in painting canvases so i decided to sneak off to the toilets. When getting up I looked down and my wooden art stool was covered in red (and not red paint i can confirm), me being the easiest blusher in the world went red faced, mind went blank and i recall thudding back down on my chair (which i regretted after hearing the squishing sounds).
My twin being the more outgoing confident and brass of the two kept questioning what was wrong, i hovered a bit so she could see the blood covered stool and tell me how bad my school trousers were covered in.
Without hesitating for even a minute, twinny whispered to me to go to the toilets now and stuff my knickers with as much tissue as you could find and she will deal with the rest. I ran like the wind and did just that, took off my sweater and tied around my waist and waddled back into the classroom.
Twinny had a brand new clean stool sat at my easel and winked at me before giggling and motioning to the back of the room where i could make out a very blood stained stool racked up against other spares.
i have never ever been more grateful for having a twin as i was then.
As the years went by, my periods were irregular from the start, some years i had it only twice or 3 times which worried Mum as they showed no signs of regulating. I loved this as i dreaded the heavy blood and pains. God knows how many years on and now, married and trying desperately I ruefully wish the bloody thing would come once a month like the damn mortgage did.
The first few months of taking Metformin seemed to be slowly regulating my periods which left me estatic that we were on the road to recovery. After about 5 months my periods became irregular again, i put on alot of weight and become thoroughly depressed with the bloody thing.
Putting words to paper...well, to computer in this case!
Hi guys, and welcome :) Thanks for reading my Blog. Not sure what to make of this and how to go about it really but I thought I'd give it a good try!
I'm an avid reader of all manner of blogs related to trying to concieve and fertility problems ever since I got married 3 and a half years ago. Admittedly back then I was only a young naive 23 yr old girl who saw life through rose tinted glasses and absurdly thought life would be a breeze.
Now a few years later, still very much in love and married to my seriously saint of a hubby, but life has not taken the route we expected, reality is we have no child of our own to make our lives complete.
Let me be honest, since day 1 of my marriage, i have never taken any form of contraception whatsoever (an endless source of amusement to my mates and 3 sisters) and myself and hubby certainly enjoyed all the many many what we thought 'practice' sessions leading up to now.
All this time later, Hubby enjoys the 'practising' whilst myself on the other hand, i feel as if i am just going through the motions, as if it is a chore, which i hate admitting, but its true, i just mentally image the months passing by and all our futile attempts, the wonder of guessing whether this time Hubbys sperm and my eggs will result in something spectacular is like a bad taste in my mouth.
I have to admit, i can't stand having calenders in my home now, the very thought of seeing time pass by, months and years rolling by terrifies me. Hubby is the one non crazy person in my life who can calm me down and say all the right things but thats just the blokes way, they cannot possibly think and plan for the future like us....i fret about becoming too old to have a child (i'm 27 going on 57),
i lay awake at nights worrying my frazzled brain to death. I've lost count of the many attempts i've tried to wake up Hubby from his blissful slumber to tell me im the fountain of youth and time is on my side. To his credit he has the sleep talking of that down to a Tee i tell you.
About over a year ago my GP confirmed after many blood tests that i do in fact have PCO and consequently put me on a course of Metformin medication twice a day every day.
The GP i first had on my first appointment there was a tall posh Eton-esque of a man who i insisted later on
to Hubby was patronising me. Eton-esque would simply stare at me with his probing eyes and his mouth turned downwards grimacing. Several appointments later it was all i could do from smacking him in the face (and i am not a violent girl i tell you!).
Prior to me being diagnosed with PCO, Eton-esque requested all the usual blood tests and an abdomonal and transvaginal scan at our local hospital which terrified me.
Let me inform you that prior to this i had never been to a doctor or hospital in my life, so for me, the very thought of someone sticking something that looks like a big shower head down below had me permanently blushing and nervous as hell. Me thinking that is fine, but i despised Eton-esque irrationally for also thinking the same (really should have worked on not flushing bright red whenever he mentioned the transvaginal scan but Hubby drew the line there and would not practice that conversation with me).
I recall wailing irrationally to Hubby on the drive home that a GP man cannot possibly be as sympathetic or can relate to my worries and queries as a woman, as i woke the next morning after a fitfull sleep Hubby rang the GP practice and arranged another appointment with a female GP.
Now she was a million times better than Eton-esque, she i felt at ease with at once, despite the fact that she resembled Nicole Scherzinger. She listened and understood my gibberish, my 1 thousand questions and made me not feel like a public school girl.
'Nicole' was the one i had an appointment booked with for the results of the transvaginal scan which i somehow got through (forgive me for sounding like a prude, im really not, just completely naive and dumb in a way). I thanked the lucky stars that they had dim lighting in the scanning room and thought about how i really wasted my time in the shower that morning shaving and waxing every part of me to within an inch of their life. Nicole confirmed the PCO diagnosis and upped my daily amounts to 3 a day to try and regulate my periods, which is a whole damn different story.
I'm an avid reader of all manner of blogs related to trying to concieve and fertility problems ever since I got married 3 and a half years ago. Admittedly back then I was only a young naive 23 yr old girl who saw life through rose tinted glasses and absurdly thought life would be a breeze.
Now a few years later, still very much in love and married to my seriously saint of a hubby, but life has not taken the route we expected, reality is we have no child of our own to make our lives complete.
Let me be honest, since day 1 of my marriage, i have never taken any form of contraception whatsoever (an endless source of amusement to my mates and 3 sisters) and myself and hubby certainly enjoyed all the many many what we thought 'practice' sessions leading up to now.
All this time later, Hubby enjoys the 'practising' whilst myself on the other hand, i feel as if i am just going through the motions, as if it is a chore, which i hate admitting, but its true, i just mentally image the months passing by and all our futile attempts, the wonder of guessing whether this time Hubbys sperm and my eggs will result in something spectacular is like a bad taste in my mouth.
I have to admit, i can't stand having calenders in my home now, the very thought of seeing time pass by, months and years rolling by terrifies me. Hubby is the one non crazy person in my life who can calm me down and say all the right things but thats just the blokes way, they cannot possibly think and plan for the future like us....i fret about becoming too old to have a child (i'm 27 going on 57),
i lay awake at nights worrying my frazzled brain to death. I've lost count of the many attempts i've tried to wake up Hubby from his blissful slumber to tell me im the fountain of youth and time is on my side. To his credit he has the sleep talking of that down to a Tee i tell you.
About over a year ago my GP confirmed after many blood tests that i do in fact have PCO and consequently put me on a course of Metformin medication twice a day every day.
The GP i first had on my first appointment there was a tall posh Eton-esque of a man who i insisted later on
to Hubby was patronising me. Eton-esque would simply stare at me with his probing eyes and his mouth turned downwards grimacing. Several appointments later it was all i could do from smacking him in the face (and i am not a violent girl i tell you!).
Prior to me being diagnosed with PCO, Eton-esque requested all the usual blood tests and an abdomonal and transvaginal scan at our local hospital which terrified me.
Let me inform you that prior to this i had never been to a doctor or hospital in my life, so for me, the very thought of someone sticking something that looks like a big shower head down below had me permanently blushing and nervous as hell. Me thinking that is fine, but i despised Eton-esque irrationally for also thinking the same (really should have worked on not flushing bright red whenever he mentioned the transvaginal scan but Hubby drew the line there and would not practice that conversation with me).
I recall wailing irrationally to Hubby on the drive home that a GP man cannot possibly be as sympathetic or can relate to my worries and queries as a woman, as i woke the next morning after a fitfull sleep Hubby rang the GP practice and arranged another appointment with a female GP.
Now she was a million times better than Eton-esque, she i felt at ease with at once, despite the fact that she resembled Nicole Scherzinger. She listened and understood my gibberish, my 1 thousand questions and made me not feel like a public school girl.
'Nicole' was the one i had an appointment booked with for the results of the transvaginal scan which i somehow got through (forgive me for sounding like a prude, im really not, just completely naive and dumb in a way). I thanked the lucky stars that they had dim lighting in the scanning room and thought about how i really wasted my time in the shower that morning shaving and waxing every part of me to within an inch of their life. Nicole confirmed the PCO diagnosis and upped my daily amounts to 3 a day to try and regulate my periods, which is a whole damn different story.
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